Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
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I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“you changed” bro i was 15
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I hate my earbuds.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
scared to check what name she chose
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.