Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
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Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?