*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
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Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*