[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
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It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
how was your vacation
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share