5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
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EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
From my Mom
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities