“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.