Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
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So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Noah
Uh oh…
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.