There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
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It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.