I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
You Might Also Like
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
It’s an epidemic…
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse