I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
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You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
mechanics be like
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.