The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
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I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
🤣🤣🤣
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Breaking news:
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*