I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more