Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
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Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Important reminders
*pronounces fake like saké*
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”