god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
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*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Sing it!
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.