Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow