*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
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Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.