therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Saw online –
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.