God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
You Might Also Like
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
my friends when i can’t do basic math
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen