NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
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[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Basketball
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.