Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
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Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.