I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
You Might Also Like
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it