If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.