Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake