5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Stop it! 😂
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.