Lately I have the attention span of wait what
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Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
titanic
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
There’s never enough good news
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.