[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
You Might Also Like
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
12653.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.