Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
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We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it