If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
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[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice