A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
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Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”