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My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
grotesque if literal: baby food
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide