Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download