Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
first you must answer his riddles
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing