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If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”