Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Hello Twits.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.