I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
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The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
When he asks for feet pics
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.