Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
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Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust