I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
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*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Doctors texting each other.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.