No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
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it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Two types of dogs.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing: