BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
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Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.