There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
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The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
My dad.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.