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At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.