My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
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Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts