me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
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It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
SF is the wild wild west man
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.