computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
If only.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.