It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
You Might Also Like
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
no one likes gloating
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I’m being attacked 😭
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?