TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
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Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Any refunds available?…
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.