If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
You Might Also Like
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
#NeverForget
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.