Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
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Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
adam and eve had first world problems
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.