guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
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Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2