When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
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My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Just a bush.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.